to be to eat

My fingers are glossing over every recipe in this month's Gourmet, causing me to daydream a bit. Not so much reminiscing about the past year, but more about the year to come. Finally, I am not so fatigued, and although I haven't exactly decided to not be involved in my musical aspirations, I haven't really given them any effort either. In fact, virtually none. The study of music requires everything, complete unwavering commitment. Like nothing else does. So many things which must be done over and over again. Over and over again. And for what? For whom? It becomes like a burden which takes and takes, and when it gives, it is not important, second-rate, not fulfilling, albeit mentally addicting. Like a constant dilemma. With this, somehow, I still must eat, I still must travel, and I still must create. The real loves of my life, besides my husband. At first, it seemed inspired by the music, but that is not it at all. It just started there, but soon found other things. Especially in the kitchen. The kitchen requires my dedication, sure, but it is more of a love which loves back. It is a love which feeds the hunger of others, and a hunger to feed that desire. Cooking, writing, and tasting are essentially less demanding, but always commanding my attention, as ideas nearly always percolate. It can't be helped. A habit which constantly wants to create, solve problems, adapt, and create again. While it has already started, it seems like this is more of the beginning, than in the beginning of this. This time, I want to think, and think, and learn too. But not just more of everything, but important things. Things that linger and stick. Like dessert. Bundt cake? Anyone for crème brûlée? This time is for reading, reflecting, conversing; while creating, photographing, and writing. It's like starting anew, refreshed, but funneling the music of old, of those places I've been , people I've met, and ideas yet to be born. I'll have to be bold, be daring, and share. There is, after all, only so much just the two of us can eat.
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